I used to think that to be busy is the only way to live. I used to think that walking towards achievement is the path to a fulfilling life. I used to sense that all actions go beyond words.

Now, I don’t know what I think. What is an achievement, when death is a certainty? What to be busy with, that can generate such never ending bliss? There is a state of mind, a state of being, where one does all that one has to do. It is not fate. It is such a natural state, where you simply, uniquely, react. Where all the knowledge, all the information, all the experience razors through our being with such depth and clarity, that in the following moment it all becomes unnecessary.

I used to think such state was available to each one of us through the collection of our experiences. But I was wrong. I have collected many experiences, and as their burden weighs heavy, I react less. The natural movements become more artificial. The naturalness gives place to a manufactured state of myself. It betrays my original goal, therefore is a useless state.

I used to think I am a man guided by principles. Now principles are a burden I am not willing to carry. Principles are an artificial construction of the mind. Everytime I need my principles, when I consciously conjure them in my life, I am plastering myself to my past experiences, I am destroying my happiness and self. It is so clear now, those principles which are really principal happen naturally. They flower open spontaneously.

When we cry for our fellings, it is simply pity. When we cry with no reason, just because the body demands it, it is such a need that it cannot be avoided, then it becomes the natural reaction, the state of such great depth and expansion one can simply not put in words. Now I understand when someone says, I can’t explain it. It goes beyond words.

Now more and more I am becoming a mad man. Mad according to my own pre-existing principles. Those principles were always borrowed from society, family and all other things, which are completely irrelevant to our innermost happiness. One may think those things are important. Then when you manage to achieve any state of real relationship with these constructed entities, you can only see that in your innermost self it really never mattered.

There is a moment, when you are truly open to all experiences, when beliefs, principles, come into conflict with being. Is such a state of confusion, joy, loss and achievement, that the mind itself looses its parameters. It revolts. There is a deep depression and anger, in that, all along, the truth was, the truth is, there is no meaning to what one determines as life. It is silly to define things in exceptions. I used to think it was simply philosophical cheating and folly. But the only way I can see life now, is that it is not any of the things I am sure it is.

Life is not meant for more than living. Life is meant for achieving a deep intimacy with one’s self and body, where we are comfortable, satisfied and happy. That is the sole of basis of life. From there, anything can happen. At any moment. This is the only true and fulfilling freedom. Chaining oneself to imaginary obligations and principles destroys freedom, destroys this deep state of intimacy, from where it seems to me, everything should spring.

But it is confusing that such state is never available to achievement. It can never be reached by walking in a particular way or thinking on some other way. It seems to me to be always there, and it can be observed in minuscule moments of my own life. An ecstatic, indescribable joy. Such joy that I loose my own notions of what, where, how. It has happened in many unexpected situations, such as swimming in the ocean or at times when discovering a simple solution to some problem. But each time I try to reproduce that moment, it fails. Usually I can barely recollect such moment. The complete sense, and how I got there.

(continues at some other time of inspiration. I could finish this with prespiration, but then all meaning is lost…).

This entry was posted on Friday, July 29th, 2005 at 5:45 am and is filed under Das Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.